hey er one. or no one. whatev. I really feel bad about some stuff I've done lately. I guess I should probably work on my do nothing for myself skills again. I used to be really good at it but I've gotten worse over the last year or so. But yeah. I've kinda gotten myself in a bad emotional situation. Nothing with drugs or anything. for those of you who were hoping. I really probably shouldn't make references to people whoprobably don't even use this site anymore.
I miss scottie. He moved to Colorado like a monthago and I'm going crazy thinking about how much I miss the kid. I hate that this situation played out like it did. Things should have been different or at least that's what I keep onb telling myself. Maybe there was something that I could have said or done that could have made him stay for at least a little while longer and I'm probably not the only one thinking that but sometimes it feels like it.
Other than that I'm in a play called I Hate Hamlet. It's an alright roll I haven't really gotten into the part I'm sure I will after we've gotten done blocking it. eh. write again later.
I think every one I know stopped entirely using lj. which means you guessed it. that I will now begin again. I'm in college now. AWESOME! that's all for now.
I just looked back at my "post after quiting number 3" post and realised that every speck of it is still true. Maybe about different people and maybe the situation has changed a bit. That huge deep love that I felt for the person is gone now because he's different. I'll still be there for him. But he's changed. the funny part being that now he would consider going out with me... or so I'm told. But there's some one else now.
I'm worried. I was bad with the last person but I'm really REALLY afraid that I'm going to be hurt more by this person. I want so bad to be with him but I can't. I have other issues things that few know about. some things that absolutely no one knows about. I just wish I could be a little kid again. I want to be able to roll around in grass with out my mother getting on to me. I want to just have fun again. I want to smile.
I think that that is one of the few things that most everybody wants in life. Most people want to smile. they really want happiness. they want to hear things and see things that bring joy to them. I want that again. I dont want to be depressed. There are a lot of people who depend on me to help them. I feel like I almost can't do that right now and that really upsets me. I feel so sefish right now. Maybe for a while I'm aloud to be selfish. I'm not normally. I'm not envious of any one or anything. BNut I am now. I have true envy right now and that's only happened oncve before that I can remember.
I want to be a cartoonist. I want to draw and write things taht make people laugh and make them a little happier. I think that that is a great thing to do for the world. to bring a little more laughter into it. I like to see people smile. Iw ant to see everyone smiling. I wish I lived in a world where people weren't always upset and where I didn't get upset. I wish that things could be normal. Maybe like weird normal. Sometiems I wish I lived in Mayberry. Sometimes I want so bad to just return to something like home. To see snow and to catch it on my toungue. Smell a new smell that makes you feel like you're being hugged. To be hugged. By a stranger and to know automatically that they aren't just bein weirdos. I want to bake a pie. But not eat it. I want to bake a pie and throw it on the ground and watch my dog eat it. So that it seems like I did something encredibly trivial but then to watch the happiness come accross his face.
I want smiles I want direction I want will I want love I want happiness I want my friends to be happy I want joy I want flowers for no reason I want to feel special I want heavan I want everything I want him I want to smile and mean it.
Ba Ba Ba. I was supposed to get out of the house today. I wanted to go see some one other than my family. I want to just go breathe air that isn't full of smoke or depression. It's sufficating. I wanted to go hang out wiht all my friend playing magic at Fru's house but either his parents never got home or they forgot. I'm pretty sure I know which one is which in light of resent events. Oh well. Life goes on. Bleh. I want to do something tomarrow but I'm pretty sure that I wont be able to. I feel like I'm going automatically into the emo livejournal crap and if I am then I'm sorry. If it bothers you than you dont really have to read it you know. I'm have a difficult time right now though so I guess I dont really care if me venting it on a journal offends someone. Because I sure didn't pry your eyes open and force you to read this. Any way. I guess that's about it.
I feel a little better I suppose. Not quite ready to stick spikes into my veins.My mom is depressed and I think it's affecting me badly. I dont know. I just wan my headache to stop. I feel like I wanna go get high or drunk or something just to get out for a while. What ever.
I'm going to sleep. I'm writing on livejournal. I dont want to . I have NOTHING nice to talk about so I wont write about anything at all. Thank you and good night. ~skilla
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alabaska's journal
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